1. Men Who Use Straight Razors Subconsciously Want To Kill Their Wives, Girlfriends, and/or Mothers.
It’s True! Using a straight razor is a sure sign that a man is interested in murdering one, some, or all of the women in his life. Ladies, if your guy uses a straight razor, it’s best to have him offed before he gets to you. It’s only a matter of time.
2. “My Sharona” By The Knack Is The Worst Song Of All Time.
It’s true! Not only is this abomination the worst song ever made, but it is also the worst song that can ever possibly made. It has just the right combination of suck and awful, that it can not possibly be topped, though the entire music industry seems to be trying very hard to do so.
3. Beeping A Car Horn Is The Lowest Form Of Human Communication.
It’s true! There is no lower form of life on the troglodytic totem pole than the piece of indeterminate filth that is the user of his or her car horn. Next time you want to beep your horn at someone, instead reach your hand into your undies, take a dump, and then fling your poo at them instead. It’s slightly more evolved than beeping at them.
4. Some People Are Immune To Stupidity.
It’s true! Even though Harlan Ellison famously wrote that stupidity is the most abundant element in the Universe, some people are born with a natural antigen to this malevolent scourge. I, for example, have never had a stupid thought. Even when it seems like I have had a stupid thought, I am actually just functioning on a plain that is too high for your meager understanding to comprehend, and so the incomplete picture you get is that I said or did something stupid. Mind you, I’m not bragging. How could I possibly brag about something I was just naturally born having?
5. Life Is Meaningless. You Will Die Alone And Will Eventually Be Forgotten.
It’s true! Despite a glut of claims to the contrary, life is essentially meaningless; an illusory veil of meaning draped over the chaotic flux that is all of reality notwithstanding. And sure, you may create some works, or otherwise through deed or thought be remembered for a bit, but ask yourself who the greatest Sumerian was, for example. I’m betting you can’t; and there’s a good chance you’ve never even heard of the Akkadians. But, look on the bright side: now that you are in possession of this knowledge, you can stop worrying about it and start living.