In February 2012 it was reported that beloved actor Ben Gazzara had died. We now know this to be entirely untrue. While the details remain unclear and mostly hidden from view, the information that has emerged paints a picture of corruption at the highest levels, constructed on a tangled web of deceit and lies that would make for a particularly compelling Cassavetes movie.
Flash back to January of 2012. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton schedules a meeting with President Barack Obama to offer her resignation. Obama vehemently declines, demanding that she remain on his Cabinet until after the elections to be held in November of that year. Clinton, not one to be ordered around, told the Commander In Chief to go fuck himself, and she began to storm out of the room. Obama jumped up from his desk, raced over to Clinton, grabbed her by the hair and threw her on the floor and proceeded to stomp on her head until the growing pool of blood circling around her mangled head comforted the President’s soul with knowledge that she was finally dead.
This comfort, however, was quickly eclipsed by the realization that he’d just killed the Secretary of State, the Wife of a former President. He’d have to have his closest goons take care of the cleanup, but they’d need to do something creative to ensure no public fallout, especially anything that could damage his chances in the election.
Obama and his Chief of Staff Bill Daley decided the only realistic solution to this mess was to kidnap Ben Gazzara and put him through a series of CIA reeducation sessions until he thinks he is Hillary Clinton.
“He’s such and incredibly gifted actor that I know if he truly believes he is Hillary Clinton, he can make everyone else believe he’s Hillary Clinton as well,” Obama confidently told Daley.
“I agree. He was incredible in The Killing of a Chinese Bookie,” Daley replied.
“Don’t forget Jackie Treehorn.”
“How could I forget, Barack! I love that movie.”
And so the two of them drove over to Ben Gazzara’s house, kidnapped him, wrapped him in a sack, threw him in their trunk, brought him to a top secret CIA brainwashing facility, made him believe he’s Hillary Clinton, and now, instead of the real Hillary Clinton, we actually have Ben Gazzara pretending to be Hillary Clinton, and so our nation’s first woman elected president is very likely going to be Ben Gazzara..