It’s noon, middle of the week, the curtains are closed; I’ve just taken a massive intravenous dose of ketamine. Earlier today I was fourth plateaued on dextromethorphan, and prior to that I had slept for most of 30 hours, only occasionally waking up to snort more zolpidem to pass back out. I’ve been keeping close track of my dreams and learning to inhabit disembodied states of being through various tricks of cognition and recognition, like focusing on details and associating those details with specific ‘mantras,’ so to speak, which can help trigger awareness of being ‘in’ a dream, holding on to those dreams, manipulating them, learning to inhabit such states and navigate through them; changing the landscapes, the dream landscapes, can be an amazing tool of personal discovery and a great fucking time, at that.

There’s a biochemical relationship between dream states and states brought upon by dissociative drugs, or by dissociative meditation. The possibilities of disembodiment, and being able to interact with the 3 dimensional world, become convincingly real. My goal is to learn to interact the world in my disembodied, dissociative state, becomingly like some kind of phantom that can navigate through time and space without the burden of a 3 dimensional body limiting my perspectives and freedom of movement, both spatially and temporally.

Drugs are an excellent research accomodator, and regular consumption of ketamine and dextromethorphan, as well as ingestion of other drugs, most often DMT, has proven to be a great resource in moving closer to my goal. But, I know there’s only a point they can bring you to. To truly go deep, only concentration, meditation and practice will work. Still, the drugs can be an excellent tool throughout this process, as I’ve found. I believe I’m almost there.

I began this line of research roughly 15 years ago while studying philosophy in college. I was always looking for ways to change the way my mind worked, and the way I experienced reality, so naturally, drugs were a steady part of my intellectual diet. At some point, I had recalled years back having a friend who ordered dextromethorphan (dxm) online from a ‘research chemicals’ company, which was really just a place selling all kinds of legal drugs, but which still got you really high. There were all kinds of chemicals available: amt, dipt, 2ct7, and a whole lot more, including dxm. I found one such supplier and ordered a few things, including 50 grams of dxm. Of all the drugs I tried, dxm was the most fruitful in terms of my philosophical project. The nature of dissociative states is extremely fascinating to me. The way it plays with time and space, the unusual landscapes that appear when eyes are closed, and how normal landscapes right before your eyes take on a strange and esoteric shape, like there are layers being removed from ordinary perception to reveal a different kind of real. That shit really fascinated me.

Jump to now, and I can still remember the first time I knew it was possible. I was sitting, meditating on the balcony of my second floor apartment in Phoenix. It was the morning. I was in a deep, trancelike state, coming down from a 4th plateau dxm excursion, and I allowed myself to fully experience a fall from the balcony, but I did so without subjecting my fragile physical body to the dangers of such a fall. In doing so, I became convinced that this was more than just a vivid delusion, but a clue that true disembodiment is directly tied to the dissociative states I’d been exploring. There was an integral link that needed to be explored, and this has been my life’s work.

As I said, I believe I’m almost there. Recent investigations have yielded significant results. I have now had numerous conversations with my teenaged self, which I can recall from both the perspective of my current self, and my younger self. I now have vivid memories of these conversations having taken place, and it feels like those memories have been since the conversations took place decades ago. I can not explain this in terms of quantum physics, but I know I somehow manipulated my experience so that I actually changed the past.

I have also begun to inhabit plants. I can experience a plant’s experience. This is hard to explain, but I can at one ‘time’ become all the interior workings of a plant, and experience them on a level that is not an abstraction of how I would rationally ‘think’ a plant works, but is a pre-cognitive, wholly experiential event. Of course, these states are hard to maintain, as my rational mind wants to intrude on a near-constant basis. This is why practice is important.

(unfinished 2015)

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