This is the true story… of two former reality TV stars… picked to… do something (what exactly, I’m not sure)… they’ll campaign together and have their buffoonery taped… to find out what happens… when stupid people stop reciting empty catch phrases in front of their deluded supporters… and start approaching something that kinda-sorta approximates reality in only the vaguest of senses…The Real World: Conservative Fantasyland.

(The War Room, Trump campaign headquarters, Des Moines, Iowa. 19th of January in this great year of our Lord, 2016.)

Donald: What the fuck, Sarah? You told me you had the kids under control. This doesn’t look good. Not good.

Sarah: Oh Donald, Track was just having a bad day. Besides, that little bitch was always mouthy. I never liked her. Got anything to drink in this place?

(She turned her poached ivory and blood diamond embellished NRA logo flask upside down and shook it over the desk, the last drop of Yukon having already passed her lips.)

Donald: You’re drinking… Sarah, you promised you’d stop. This is not a game. We need to make me pres… I mean, make America great again.

Sarah: How ’bout that drink?

Donald: Get your act together. There’s a cabinet position waiting. I need you together, Sarah.

(Her eyes starting to well up; her speech a mixture of morning-drunk slur and extremely emotional teenage girl.)

Sarah: I’m sorry, Donald. I’m such a failure. I can’t even keep my kids from making complete messes of their lives. They’re all idiots. I’m an idiot.

Donald: Well, we agree on that, but those dopes who I need to caucus for me think you’re a genius or something, so I need you to get your shit together and make this speech today.

(He slapped her in the face and grabbed her behind, pulling her towards him; and when she was close enough he put a big juicy Trump kiss on her lips, slipping her a few inches of his slithering elephantine tongue, squeezing her firm-for-an-alcoholic-middle-aged-woman ass with the determination of one of his supporters shooting cheap bullets at an immigrant.)

Donald: You and I can rule the world, baby. Well, not you, actually. I can rule the world. Trump will rule the world. We’re gonna make the world great again, baby. So great. So great.


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The Real World: Conservative Fantasyland

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