The primary challenge in making a list of the 5 most awful bands in the world comes with clearly defining what is meant by ‘awful.’ One can not merely decide upon the respective awfulness of a band chiefly by the band’s music alone. At any given time, there are going to be a nearly unlimited supply of local and unknown bands that are making music that is arguably ‘worse’ than any of the bands on this list. However, one could research tirelessly for years and still not get to the bottom of the barrel if that was their sole criteria. No, there has to be more. I’ve decided to base my decision on a number of key factors. First of all, the music must be bad. It must be so bad that hearing it gives me uneasy feelings of embarrassment over the fact that I’m even being exposed to the immensity of its shittiness. Next, the band must be adored by a fair amount of people despite the lackluster quality of their bullshit music. This includes a modicum of critical acclaim. Nickelback, for example, do not make my list because they are almost universally recognized critically as garbage. No one is trying to convince the world that Nickelback are, in fact, a valid purveyor of fine musical goods. They’re not taken seriously enough to make the cut.

5. Foo Fighters

The smarmy, shit-eating grin on Grohl’s face alone would warrant inclusion of the Foo Fighters on this list. The fact that their music is some of the most banal, lifeless, stale dad rock since the Knack broke onto the scene is just icing on the cake. Add this to the fact that you can’t go a few hours without hearing about Grohl these days and it’s safe to say that this band is truly fucking awful.

4. Walk The Moon

Admittedly, this is a strange choice. I don’t think this band is very popular. I’d never even heard of them, but then I matched with this girl on Tinder who told me she was going to their concert. I’d never heard of them, so to determine whether this woman was a suitable love interest, I googled her musical taste and found their song “Shut UP and Dance With Me” and played the video. It was a song I had been despising for months, as the mall in which I work plays it constantly. The video amped up my hatred to a whole other level. I don’t think words can really explain. Just watch the video and I think you’ll understand. As for the girl – I unmatched her immediately.

3. Coldplay

When Coldplay first came on the scene they seemed like they’d just be some boring band you could easily ignore while you listened to Radiohead instead. Then Radiohead got a little too weird for a lot of people and stopped releasing the kind of songs that Coldplay were trying to sound like, so the kind of middle of the road music fan who kind of gravitates toward ‘alternative rock,’ but not when it’s ‘too weird,’ was now facing a void that, due to their lack of discernment, would be easily filled by whatever English-accented asshole came around sulking in key about basically nothing. Enter Chris Martin.

2. Fall Out Boy

Fallout Boy should immediately fall off the fucking face of the Earth as far as I’m concerned. This band is beyond awful. I work part time in a store in the mall and they repeatedly play two songs by this band that are so bad I literally feel ill whenever they’re played. In one, the singer just wails constantly ‘centuries…,’ which I believe is the title of the song, in this really cringeworthy way. The other one samples the theme song from “The Munsters” and takes what was a fairly tolerable tv jingle and turns it into some kind of abomination of white boy dance/hip-hop affectations with the really obnoxiously bad singer saying a bunch of pointless bullshit that barely makes any real sense or conveys any meaning beyond ‘this is a song.’ Total garbage.

1. Mumford Bros

There are few things on this Earth that are worse than the Mumford Bros. Take AIDS, for example. 20 years ago you might have been able to have argued that AIDS was worse, but we didn’t have the Mumford Bros back then so it’s not really a fair comparison. Presently, HIV infection is a treatable illness and people who catch HIV can live full and whole lives (this is first-world HIV I’m talking about here; third world is still bad). Even if one gets to full-blown AIDS, this can be reversed and through medication and a healthy lifestyle one can manage symptoms and become relatively ‘healthy.’ The same can not be said about Mumford Bros. They’re just awful, and there is no cure. Early signs of Mumford Bros exposure include shopping at LL Bean, brewing shitty beer at home and thinking it’s good, and buying a mandolin you will hardly ever play at guitar center for 200 dollars more than it’s really worth. Mumford infection is a degenerative illness that will eventually lead to attending a bluegrass concert with your lame girlfriend.